Our doctor recommended I increase my Clomid dose from 2 to 3 pills each night for 5 nights.This is a hormone pill to help the body prepare for ovulation. The last time he increased my dose I didn't notice much of a difference, but this time around I've noticed a major difference. These past few days have really just been miserable, and I told Lee last night that if this month didn't work, that I think we need a break from fertility drugs/treatments. I have been over-the-top hormotional (hormonal + emotional, haha).
Yesterday and today I have been beginning to wonder if God has forgotten me. I can't think of a time in life where I felt more heart-broken and defeated. I've spent time complaining about how unfair life is, when I really should be rejoicing for what is going good in my life, because I have so much to be thankful for.
Last night I had the worst night of sleep that I can remember in a long time. I tossed and turned all night, got up every hour or so, and just felt really anxious and restless. Today I woke up exhausted, and thinking about how awful the day was going to be, and have pretty much had that crappy attitude all day.
This afternoon, a delivery man walks into my office and says, "Sara, I have a delivery for you. There's a card on front. Someone must really be thinking about you." The delivery was an edible arrangement from my sister-in-law. The card reminded me that she is thinking of me and praying for me everyday, and that she loves me.
1. This one thing in my life may not be going right, but I have so much still to be thankful for. How lucky am I to have such thoughtful friends and family, who genuinely care about and pray for our struggle?! My sister-in-law hasn't exactly had the greatest start to her month with a knee injury leaving her in pain, and on crutches, yet she is spending her time praying for and thinking of me. Maybe I should take that same approach, and stop feeling so sorry for myself.
2. The second thing I am reminded of is God has not forgotten me, nor has he forsaken me. The past couple of days I have been praying that God help me find peace with this process, and that he help me to give up my worries to him. I have emailed and became friends with three other women who have blogged or are blogging about their infertility situation, and emailed one friend who I knew from high school who I had a feeling struggled with infertility. What was the one thing that all 4 women said helped them to cope with their stress? Give your worries to God, and trust that He has a plan. I have been praying for God to help me with this, but did I really mean it? Have I really been ready to turn my worries over to him and actually trust that His plan is best? I really don't think I have. Its easy to say the prayer, but to truly mean it, and be ready for that is something completely different.
So today I am reminded that no matter how dark this journey may seem, God is here, has not forgotten us, He has equipped Lee and I with great friends and family to support us through these tough times. I don't know what God has in store for us, but what I do know is that I need to trust Him so I can find out. So for the rest of this cycle, especially during our two week wait, I am going to pray simply that God help me to truly give my worries up to Him, and trust that his plan is best, and He will deliver. I would appreciate for you to pray for the same! Today is a good day to remind someone how much you love them and that they are not forgotten. You might just turn their week around like Steph did for me!